Women are from Venus? They are from another fucking universe

I don’t understand women and I don’t expect I ever will. It’s written in the Man Code that’s imprinted within our skin. Women are most definitely from another planet. Not Venus, that’s too close.

I’ve found that in every relationship I’ve ever been in has either resulted in being cheated on, being cheated on or they just ignore me.

I’m not 100% sure why. Maybe I’m just too weird, maybe they regret accepting my request to be her boyfriend or maybe I’m just a bad person and don’t deserve a girlfriend of any kind.

Most recently I asked a girl out via twitter. Which is new too me and is the friend one of my best friends who I also dated for a little while. Sadly it didn’t work out due to long distance and no funds to see each other. Regardless, me and this girl (who shall not be named) had been talking for a fair while. It’s not clear how long because we didn’t start properly following each other till a few months ago.

Anyway I found her funny, interesting, informative and she has amazing taste in music. I was really falling for this girl. So one day I asked her out to the cinema. She said yes but within 30 minutes she said she couldn’t make it. So I thought “that’s ok, shit happens”. So a few days later I asked again, this time giving more notice. She said yes again and so I went to meet her at the cinema for around 1pm. It turned 1 and she hadn’t arrived. I text her and hadn’t got a reply yet. Eventually she started messaging me saying that she hadn’t even set off yet. I told her that was ok, purely because I was infatuated with her and couldn’t wait to meet her for the first time. An 1 hour later (1400) security guards asked me to leave the complex as they thought I was loitering. So I left and at this point it was raining, so I figured I’d go hunt down a Starbucks while I waited. Sadly it took me another hour (1500) before I found an empty coffee shop, the one I found was Costa in Waterstones. And so I was texting this girl in the coffee shop about meeting for the first time. It’s currently 1600 and now she tells me she can’t make it because someone moved the ‘Stop not in service’ sign.

I refused to believe I’d been stood up. Besides a friend who knows her personally telling me she had. And so I went ahead and tried to arrange to meet her again but she either didn’t see my messages or chose to ignore them. I assume to the time of this writing that she didn’t see them… Though I do wonder now. Anyway we never got round to arranging another meeting.

And then once again ignoring my friends advice saying “she just wants to fuck you around” I decided to ask her out. And to my happiness she replied with “OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG yes” follow by wanting to sound cool. I was over the moon with this sudden change in events. All the time I spent texting etc had paid off. I was finally dating one of the most lovely girls ever.

Strange however that since saying yes she neglected to speak to me, tweet me or anything. I even took to sending her a heart warming message to her every night when she went to sleep for a few days to remind her how much I cared. But I was always denied the privilege of speaking to her.

A few “weeks” later of somewhat silence (she sent the odd tweet) I was greeted with a text reading “I haven’t been talking to you and that isn’t your fault. You haven’t done anything and I’m sorry for ignoring you”. I tried to pursue what the explanation was but now I guess I will never know. Because shortly after she went back to what I guess is ignoring me.

She then a few days later starts tweeting about wanting a boyfriend and stuff. I was so confused. I thought I was her boyfriend to some degree despite her not talking to me.

A few weeks later again and this time I’m not even sure if I’m in a relationship she texts me to delete her number because my name isn’t Oliver. It’s no secret that that isn’t my real name. We’d discussed it before at length in the past with the friend I mentioned I used to date.

So there you have it. I’m not even sure what I did. Maybe it’s because of when I went all ape shit on an ex who cheated and lied to me to the point where I started slitting my wrists. I know she’s spreading lies that I’m a cheat etc. Maybe my ex failed to mention that in Jan I left my gf to be with her and then she started blanking me even to my face.

Ladies and Gentleman. I’m what happens when you decide to be a push over. Relationships are for suckers who think Disney is real. Real life is just drab and boring with no hope of love or happiness. Happiness only exists so someone can smash it in your face.

The issue is, the girl I was talking about? I still love her despite everything.

 

Why I Self Harm

It’s no secret that I have a history of self harming going as far back as to when i was 7 years old. But I have never really spoken about it before and frequently due to the things that pop up in conversations people have asked about and so as usual I have decided to tell the story in hopes that I won’t ever have to discuss this ever again.

My childhood was not ponies and rainbows. It consisted of getting beat and tormented by family and other pupils in school.

When ever I did something wrong or did something out of place I always got beat really bad. My mother one day got bored of beating me so one day when I stepped out of line she called me to the bedroom and told me to stand at the foot of her bed. On the floor was an iron she told me to turn it on and while it was heating up she yelled at me about what I had done (I would like to elaborate at this point that what I had actually done was try to run away from home).

When the iron had heated up after what felt like 15 minutes she told to pick it up. I did so with tears streaming from my eyes and she then told me to press the corner of it too my arm. I pressed the iron to my right arm and experienced one of the most painful experiences in my life. I have the scar from that to this very day.

After I had scolded myself with the iron she just laughed at me and called me a retard for doing it. I dropped the iron and ran out of the room. My mother furious ran after me, grabbed my scolded arm, squeezed it and then screamed at me for not putting the iron away. I then put the iron back on the shelf. She proceeded to grab my head and bashed it on the wall. She then screamed at me to keep banging my head against the wall until she said stop. I carried on banging my head against the wall for an hour.

This idea of self punishment went on for many years and was replicated many of her boyfriends. Another one of her boyfriends called James used to enjoy making me hold the TV when he was watching it as a punishment. Which doesn’t sound so bad by todays standards but back before flat screens trying to hold a 20 something inch old skool tv was extremely difficult. It was either that or he beat me until my ears were ringing.

Anyway after many years of self punishment I suddenly felt like I needed to be harming myself in some way. I just felt uncomfortable if I wasn’t in some kind of pain. This is been going on now pretty much my entire life and as a result when ever I’ve been depressed or anything of the like I have often taken to cutting myself, scolding myself, banging my head on walls, slamming doors on my fingers etc.

It’s even gotten to the point now where I don’t even feel the pain I inflict anymore. It has to hurt and I can barely feel the pain I inflict anymore. And so I end up going to even further lengths to hurt myself like hitting myself with hammers and stuff like that.

And so that it why occasionally I self harm. Lets not discuss this ever again because I’ll probably ignore you. Scratch that I will ignore you.

 

The great depression

This blog post is hard to place. Why? Because I have 2 blogs. One being for my personal recollective thoughts and the other being for my techy gamey things. So where do I put a blog that was inspired by my completing of Final Fantasy IX? Well it’s about personal reflexion mainly so in my personal blog it goes.

As many of new know. My childhood wasn’t all bright colours and funny sounds. It was mainly made up of damp surroundings and floor boards being a makeshift bed. But not everything in my childhood was terrible. Like everybody else we do have happy memories. I have 3 main things.

Disney
Mc Donald’s
Playstation

When I feel down or depressed I usually try and do the things that always made me happiest. Weird eh? Instead of moping around I go out of my way to make myself happy. I push everyone away to do it yeah. Why? Because they want to talk about my problems. Talking won’t make it go away. But thanks for the thought. True friend.

Usually when I feel really down I buy a McDs (I’m a vegetarian so feel free to make me feel worse about myself than I already do. Yeah go on! State the obvious) get in bed and watch a Disney Film. This is because when I was a kid I was always happiest either with a McDs or whilst watching an old Disney film like Lion King or Beauty And The Beast. So combining the 2 is a no brainer really. It doesn’t make the problems go away but it makes me feel better and forget about my problems for a few hours as I bask into the awesome world of Disney.

But sometimes a few hours of confinement is not enough. Sometimes I need weeks of confinement just so I can get my head together. This is where Playstation comes in. As you may have guessed when I’m feeling down I tend up bog down in nostalgia. In this case I start playing old PS1 games. It’s when I play a PS1 game that my entire day can literally fly by and I have so much fun doing it.

In particular I usually play Final Fantasy IX. A game about a princess and a commoner falling in love. It’s a romantic story to me, to others it’s about war and to others it’s about the meaning of life. The games main story is different for each person but for me it’s love. Because I’m a softy and can’t resist a mushy story. I spent nearly 70 hours playing FFIX I have completed it a good 4 or 5 times now and it never ever gets old. It’s by far my favourite game of all time.

The issue is that when I eventually finish the game all the problems suddenly come back to me. Mainly the “what am I doing with my life and what will I make of myself”. That keels coming back a lot recently. The future scares me. A lot.

Anyway what do you do when you feel down? Do you listen to music, play a game, comfort eat or maybe you just write a blog like me and not care if people read it or not. Well…. It is for personal reflexion. It’s only here for the people who read it.

 

A Virtual Life

It’s not as pathetic as you think.

A lot of people often look down on people who base their entire social life around the Internet. Where it be through MMO or Social Networking most people look down on people who’s entire social life is pretty much based around the Internet.

For the people that don’t know. A virtual life is a life separate (more on that in a moment) from your real life (I use the term real very loosely) and it’s one of the main social outlets in modern day society. It’s the one place on the earth where you can be who you want to be and remain completely anonymous. It’s the place where you can be your true self and be the person you wouldn’t otherwise be able to be in real life.

Now we have that covered a quick analysis of real life. Real life is a widely used term to describe life away from a computer. In real life you can’t say what you feel without risk of getting the evil stare, you can’t walk the streets without the thought that you might get mugged. You can also die in real life. Which is definitely something you want to avoid. Basically real life is the boring version of real life where instead of being who you want to be you are who the people around you force you to be.

So why do people look down on people who have a virtual life? Well usually it’s because they flat out don’t get it. Like an old person trying to use a new radio. If they don’t understand it then quite simply it doesn’t belong. In fact there have been many petitions to ban computers saying that it’s damaging companies like pubs because people are now meeting for chats via Skype and Facebook. Where that may be true. I wouldn’t go to a pub otherwise. They are usually disgusting and unwelcoming places and the punters are usually fat old men you just stare at you and exclaim the dreaded phrase “back in my day”. So yes I agree, some can say that virtual lives are actually ruining business based around social gatherings. They should learn to adapt to their surroundings like cinemas did.

I mentioned earlier MMOs. Now just about everybody who has never played an MMO hate MMOs. Not because they dislike them no, it’s usually because it’s the new social norm to hate on something because someone’s friend did. Bit like how everybody hates Justin Bieber the person rather than just his music. It’s just disgusting that people will hate on a kid just because he is making crap songs. I make crap videos on YouTube, I enjoy it. Will you hate on me for it?

Anyway going back to MMOs (side tracking FTW). I believe MMOs are the future of social gatherings. Sure we already have World Of Warcraft but it’s not exactly user friendly. You can’t properly play the game and have fun without putting a good 50+ hours into it first and that’s not the sort of MMO I’m looking for. I want something that rolls Facebook, Twitter and online gaming into one. The closest I’ve found we have to this so far is DCUO (DC Universe Online) an MMO dedicated to DC heroes and villains. It’s a game that’s both fun and easy to play. And it could be the first MMO that people won’t look down upon simply because it’s an MMO. Specially since soon it will be free to play resulting in a mass of new people joining in to at least give it a try.

So, so far I have pretty much been singing the praises of having a virtual life. So here is a short list of a few disadvantages of having a virtual life.

1 You will get less exercise, less exercise means you may get fat depending on your metabolism.
2 If you spend too much time on the computer eventually you may loose your socialising skills needed for the outside world. Job interviews etc (it happens).
3 you will start using acronyms in spoken conversation like; lol, ftw and lmao.
4 you will rely on google for every little problem you have.
5 you’ll develop a habit of having to snack all the time.

It’s not like I have met the most important people of my life through social networking (I totally did) or learn some valuable life lessons through general with your friends you wouldn’t otherwise have in real life. The virtual life will always have more advantages than disadvantages. If you played your cards right you might even start making money. Just yesterday I made 25p. Go me.

What’s your opinion on a virtual life and if you had the choice would you replace your real life with it?

 

My Stay In Cyprus

Nothing like waking up at 7am one morning and then going to bed at 11am the next day I went way past my 24hr goal and I must say it was all worth it.

Cyprus is one of the most beautiful countries I have ever been too. Stunning sights, amazing weather and there are some fine ass woman too (ghetto moment). Not only that but as usual I found a way to get sun burnt on my first day whilst wearing factor 50. Blimey.

I have always joked that my body rejects sun light but no one (including myself) took me seriously. Within the first 24hours I not only got sun burnt whilst wearing factor 50 but also had no tan to show for it. Even towards the end of the holiday I barely had what could be called a tan.

Anyway the holiday was just amazing. I stayed at a resort in Latchi where there was 2 pools. A giant one with a slide and a small one with… Well it was basically just a small pool.

The place was amazing and the holiday was amazing. In the fact only thing that was a downer was the fucking scousers being loud and disruptive. Fucking idiotic counts, splashing everyone who walked past, pushing randomers into the pool and soaking (and breaking) my sisters brand new iPod. Not only that but they threw broken glass into the pool which caused it to be drained and cleaned over the course of 3 days. Could kill em. Unfortunately murder is illegal in Cyprus so there wasn’t much I could do.

The food was excellent but the thing I loved most was the pancakes on a morning. Nothing like pancakes and HONEY! On the last morning I had 4 pancakes with a mountain of honey on top. I mainly ate chips and rice through the day. The food wasn’t exactly vegetarian friendly.

One day we took a trip to a city called Pathos which is basically the main tourist spot in Cyprus. It was over crowded and just basically focused on selling us things that’s cheaper where we were staying. The beach was amazing though. The beach where we stayed was basically very very rocky. But the beach in pathos was very very smooth. Didn’t spend a long time there though (about 10 minutes) as we needed to get the last bus back to the hotel. We basically traveled 3 hours to look at a beach. My grans idea.

Me and my two younger brothers played mini golf. The smallest decided to throw a golf ball at my head. It hurt but luckily there isn’t anything of intellectual value that could have been damaged. Naturally I suck at mini golf but didn’t stop playing till I managed to get a hole in one on all the courses. Took about 2 hours on 16 different courses.

Me and my sister played a lot of water sports. We rocked at water polo being known as team awesome throughout the resort. What? We are AWESOME! We also kicked ass at French bowls, karaoke, water polo, quiz night, guess the track, swimming races and popularity contests. We just can’t help being too damn awesome.

Me and my sister got offered jobs as diving instructors, something we are actually considering after we finish college. Cyprus is simply too amazing and I would love to leave England and live there.

Over all Cyrpus is one of the best holidays I have ever had and I would love to do it again.

I haven’t proof read this blog because I can’t be bothered.

 

Don’t like planes

Planes are one of my biggest fears. You’re (supposedly) flying through the sky safe and sound and then (if TV has taught me anything) the plane gets hijacked and flown into a building of some sentimental value.

I’m afraid of planes for 3 mains things;

1. I’m afraid of heights (and the water below)
2. if it crashes I will most likely die
3. worst case scenario I will lose my limbs in the event of a crash.

One of the worst thoughts to me though is not being able to say good bye. Literally if I die tomorrow you will most likely not notice and just think that maybe I just left twitter, facebook, youtube etc. You would literally have no way of finding out if I was still breathing the same air as you.

That’s the thing that worries me most. I won’t get to say goodbye to all my internet that who are technically my best friends.

So incase I die (I might). GOOD BYE! You have made my life worth living.

 

About me (roughly)

Got asked to describe myself. So this mess is the result of that.

You will never get me, you will never understand me and most importantly you will never convince me to be normal and part take in a normal conversation.

I’m the one person you will ever meet that takes every stereotype; eats it and then shits it out. If you talk to me for 30 minutes and don’t say “that was too far” then you should really reconsider you’re own morals.

Why am I like this though? Well the people who have known me longest will know they don’t know me as well as they would like too. I never talk about myself, I only ever talk about other people. That’s how I prefer it. I dislike drawing attention to myself. In fact today I remembered why I don’t like being the centre of attention. It’s really annoying.

The most personal I will ever get with my friends is them reading this blog, but if they ever question me about it I tend spin the conversation on its head and then derail it until they forget why they called me in the first place. In fact that’s how skilk came about.

I don’t listen to any particular genre of music. I listen to mostly rap and soundtracks according to my top 25 most listened to tracks on iTunes. My top 5 music things are; Cyprus Hill, Queen, Body Count, Prodigy and Scouting For Girls. My favourite song lyric is “I’m gonna slit your throat, fuck you like a goat, peel your foreskin and make a winter coat”.

I tend to get very personal with the things I say to people. This has often been taken as offensive. But I never really stop to think about how the other person thinks about what I say. Because frankly I rarely remember to keep the things I say in check. The people that know me know I don’t seriously mean what I say. Though when they tweet it I do sometimes wonder. Not in a bad way. Just curious as to wether or not people are starting to take me seriously.

I only say that because I have noticed a big change in the way in the way people talk to me. Some people talk to me less, some more and some not at all. I’m not sure if it’s me and I’m probably looking too far into it.

I’m not very fit, but I’m not unfit either. I’m between fat and skinny at the moment. I prefer to be skinny but I have a issue with eating. If you gave me a cake I would feel compelled to eat it all. I can never leave anything half eaten. As a result I have gotten very lazy and try to do things with as much minimal effort as possible.

I’m very energetic in the way I speak but at the same time it can be hard to understand what in saying. Some would say it’s because I’m talking to fast, but it’s actually because I’m just really shit at speaking and struggle to separate words properly. As a result my sentences sometimes sound like one word that almost sounds like a groan/mumble.

Reading back I noticed I’m pretty negative. Then again wouldn’t it seem rather vain of me to only say good things?

I tend to put other people before myself. Not always, just mostly. For example I spent almost all of my wages from working at game on other people. Purely because they couldn’t do the things I could do. Like going out; cinema, food, drinking etc. As a result I didn’t do anything I wanted to do but I always felt happy knowing I made someone else happy. It runs much deeper but I won’t go any further into it.
I’m obsessed with my hair. I always want to make it look its best. I have very low self esteem as it is and unless I’m happy with the way my hair looks I literally wouldn’t go outside.

I love playing games it’s my me time. When I’m playing a game offline I usually stress not to send me game invites because I’m usually having a thinking session where I’m trying to think about what is going to become of me. The future as I have often said is one of my greatest fears.

I’m a twitter junky I usually can’t go a day without sending a few hundred tweets. Some would say I’m rather annoying as a result but if they honestly find me annoying then they can block me to avoid any future sentence exchanges.

Not sure what else to say about myself really other than it bugs me that some people actually take the time to read my blog.

If you’re one of them people then I have one question. Why do you keep reading? Thanks for reading it and everything but seriously, what is it that makes you so compelled to keep reading my blog? You know who you are.

 

Computer? What’s that?

When I got my first computer in 2007 (died in 2009) I was amazed at all the things I had at my finger tips. Suddenly for the first time in my life I could simply access and browse the Internet at my own leisure. No longer did I have to walk 30 minutes to the library to check my emails, I now could do that in the comfort of my own bedroom. This convenience I never once took for granted.

It was (still is) an amazing experience using a computer. But in 2008 I got something that would change the way I used the web forever. I got my first iPhone. The iPhone 3G to be more specific. It was (and still is) one of the most amazing phones I had ever used.

It eliminated many of the things I used a computer for. Namely emails and simple google searches. I no longer had to power up my computer just to find out if ants could take over the world. It wasn’t the fastest phone in the world and I still used my computer everyday, but I used it less so from the moment I got my iPhone.

Everyday since I got my first iPhone I found myself using my computer less and less. Only turning it on if I wanted to do a big job like editing a YouTube video or write an essay for college. I was using my phone more for YouTube too. Though at this point the YouTube app on the iPhone was utter shite.

A few years later in 2010 an amazing friend of mine bought me an iPad (thanks dude). This would without a doubt mark the last days of the need to use my computer ever again.
I used my iPad for college work, browsing the internet, social networking (which I also did on my iPhone 3G) and for watching YouTube videos. Also on YouTube I did it a lot more socially using the bigger screen as a desktop as if I was doing it on a laptop.

At that point the only reason I had to turn on my computer was too edit my videos and… that’s it actually. 99% of my computer uses had been wiped out by portable devices.

In 2011 I got an iPhone 4 (the Xperia play is the work of the devil) and this phone eliminated the last two uses of my computer. That’s recording and editing YouTube videos. Well for one thing the iPhone 4 has a great (not amazing) camera for recording videos and it has a seriously underrated app called iMovie for editing and uploading YouTube videos.

As a result of the combined efforts of my iPhone 4 and iPad I haven’t switched on my computer for about 3 months now and I still don’t need to switch it on. It’s just amazing only needing the most hassle free gadgets to get through everyday Internet life.

The only uses I have for a computer now is; back up storage, synchronising (soon to be a thing of the past) and just plain old multitasking. By multitasking I mean proper multitasking ie; Skype calls, msn, writing and listening to music all at the same time.

None of my devices are capable of that yet. Maybe in a few years portable technology will take the next portable step forward.

Thanks for reading

 

Baby?!?!

A friend of mine who recently turned 17 has recently gotten pregnant. I’m not going to tell you her name (as she is on my twitter) but let’s just call her Louise.

Louise upon finding out she was pregnant of course told her bf and he wasn’t too amused. He told her that he wasn’t ready for a child and that he wanted her to have an abortion. I can see where the guy is coming from and if it was my girlfriend I would probably ask her to get an abortion too.

She said no obviously (what would be the point in this blog otherwise) and the boyfriend freaked out (understandably). He was telling her how it would ruin his life, he would have to put all his career choices on hold for a baby he wasn’t ready to father. And so he asked her again to get an abortion.

For this Louise dumped him. Saying she doesn’t want ‘her’ child to have such a father.

I have spoken to her ex and he said that even though he wasn’t ready to be a father if she kept the baby he would support it and father it. Even if it meant leaving college and getting a full-time job. Good for him, we need more people like that in the world. Even if he is just 17 himself.

What bothers me isn’t the fact that she refuses to get an abortion (don’t fully agree with abortions but in this case yes) or even though she said it’s her baby (when really she should have said our). No. What bothers me is that she called me less than an hour ago pleading me to help her (you’ll understand in a sec).

Naturally I said I would help her in anyway I can. If she’s choosing to be a single parent (her family isn’t to happy) I don’t want the baby to have to live with her mistakes. So yeah I told her I would help her through it.

We got talking talking (not flirting) and eventually she said she wanted me to be the father of the child and that she will deny that it’s her ex’s. I told her that that is the most awful thing a person can do and that I just want to throw people like her in a river.

Anyway she said she loved me and hung up saying kiss kiss.

I’m kind of lost on what to do next. I don’t want her thinking I’m going to commit to being a babies father and I don’t want this baby to be raised in a bad environment. So what do I do? Is there a number I can call to get her some real help?

 

Opening up

Opening up about yourself is not something I won’t often do. In fact I have never been fully open to a person. I am a closed book in person but at the same time I broadcast my everyday life on YouTube, Twitter and WordPress. I’m a social nut. So why don’t I open up in person?

Well this is mainly because I don’t like people asking questions. I don’t like them enquiring further into my life. In fact the only time it’s ok to ask me a question about my life is when I bring it up myself. That’s the only time I will ever do so.

Sometimes I will often tweet (on twitter) how I feel but will never actually say why I feel that way. That’s one of the mysteries that people have often credited me for. I’m very mysterious and I’m (apparently) intriguing. I don’t know if that’s a good thing but that’s how most people feel about me anyway.

I’m so secretive that eventually when I decide to say something serious about myself people either think I’m either kidding around or just plain feeling sorry for myself. Which is never the case.

I never feel sorry for myself. I’m very down to earth and tend to accept the way things are without wishing things were different. I wouldn’t change right now for the world because I know that no matter what happens I will always have my amazing friends to help me through anything and everything.

Life is what it is and as usual I won’t be accepting comments on my blog. But thanks for reading it.