It’s no secret that I have a history of self harming going as far back as to when i was 7 years old. But I have never really spoken about it before and frequently due to the things that pop up in conversations people have asked about and so as usual I have decided to tell the story in hopes that I won’t ever have to discuss this ever again.
My childhood was not ponies and rainbows. It consisted of getting beat and tormented by family and other pupils in school.
When ever I did something wrong or did something out of place I always got beat really bad. My mother one day got bored of beating me so one day when I stepped out of line she called me to the bedroom and told me to stand at the foot of her bed. On the floor was an iron she told me to turn it on and while it was heating up she yelled at me about what I had done (I would like to elaborate at this point that what I had actually done was try to run away from home).
When the iron had heated up after what felt like 15 minutes she told to pick it up. I did so with tears streaming from my eyes and she then told me to press the corner of it too my arm. I pressed the iron to my right arm and experienced one of the most painful experiences in my life. I have the scar from that to this very day.
After I had scolded myself with the iron she just laughed at me and called me a retard for doing it. I dropped the iron and ran out of the room. My mother furious ran after me, grabbed my scolded arm, squeezed it and then screamed at me for not putting the iron away. I then put the iron back on the shelf. She proceeded to grab my head and bashed it on the wall. She then screamed at me to keep banging my head against the wall until she said stop. I carried on banging my head against the wall for an hour.
This idea of self punishment went on for many years and was replicated many of her boyfriends. Another one of her boyfriends called James used to enjoy making me hold the TV when he was watching it as a punishment. Which doesn’t sound so bad by todays standards but back before flat screens trying to hold a 20 something inch old skool tv was extremely difficult. It was either that or he beat me until my ears were ringing.
Anyway after many years of self punishment I suddenly felt like I needed to be harming myself in some way. I just felt uncomfortable if I wasn’t in some kind of pain. This is been going on now pretty much my entire life and as a result when ever I’ve been depressed or anything of the like I have often taken to cutting myself, scolding myself, banging my head on walls, slamming doors on my fingers etc.
It’s even gotten to the point now where I don’t even feel the pain I inflict anymore. It has to hurt and I can barely feel the pain I inflict anymore. And so I end up going to even further lengths to hurt myself like hitting myself with hammers and stuff like that.
And so that it why occasionally I self harm. Lets not discuss this ever again because I’ll probably ignore you. Scratch that I will ignore you.
